This is a journal created by a woman for women. However, if you are a man in tune with your feminine side (or trying to get there), feel free to read on. It's mainly the stuff we talk about but that noone ever wrote down. It's all the stuff in all those self help books that we read, all the stuff that should be said but aren't. This is just a venting spiel, about the idiosyncrasies of dating and how to make it better.
From::Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm 29 year old, fabulous and feisty female from Nigeria, who has found love, fun and happiness in life and has a plan of getting dozens of stamps on her passport.
Welcome to my blog. Feel free to read archived posts...they are pretty interesting as well. I would also appreciate any comments you may have in whatever arena. The more the merrier!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
This means that you cannot reproduce, print, publish or use any portion of this blog without express permission and consent from the author. In other words, don't steal my shit!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Michelle Obama on Love & Relationships
If I would prefer to take relationship advice from anyone in the world, it would definitely be the first lady Michelle Obama. Here’s her advice to young women on how to find the perfect man:
Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it’s, Who are you as a person? That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it and find that person that brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.
Screw Cupid is a dating manual for every woman ready to take her dating life into her own hands. Samantha Scholfield has many years of dating experience, and she developed and refined the techniques and strategies that she reveals here via hard-earned trial and error, consulting and collaborating intensively with hundreds of other women (and many men), and by marshalling the best of the extensive pickup advice that already circulates among men.
The result: perfectly calibrated guidance on initiating a conversation—anytime, anywhere—and getting right to a date, all without the guy knowing he’s being picked up.
Although not the most engrossing dating book I've read, it has an interesting premise. Instead of waiting around for the guy to ask you out, take the reins and do the asking. However, you have to do it in such a way that he doesn't realize that you are asking him out, thereby keeping the 'thrill of the chase' idea. Ummm, okay. Sounds way too complicated, but let's read further, shall we?
Although the author went into alot of her own dating foibles (which is what made the book funny), I really couldn't relate to it. The message sounds too much like the Game, as if the opposite sex cannot see through the subterfuge, guise and rules. I've asked guys out...many, many times. And the end result was a broken heart. Not from rejection on the spot (most of the guys were flattered), but from finding out down the road that he didn't value me as I needed to be valued. But that doesn't happen in Scholfield's pink world.
Tactics like "deliver a great opening line"---UM WTF? Examples are, "Why do guys grunt in the gym?" or "Why do guys think Angelina Jolie is hot?"...yeah okay...I used that on Norio and he answered back "Who is Angelina Jolie?" It did spark a conversation, but not one that turned into an amorous arena...it turned into a pop culture education session. If I had done this in a bar and gotten the same response, I probably would have blushed bright pink! The basic pointer I gleaned from this section is when you ask a guy an opening question, make sure he knows what/whom you are talking about.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a woman asking a guy to ask her out (see Surrendered Single review), or even talking to him first. But when has it ever worked out that the girl becomes the aggressor? Tactics like going to a bar, picking out guys and getting random phone numbers from someone you've talked to for less than 2 minutes...that's what boys do, and any woman that wants a REAL relationship quickly realizes that bar surfing doesn't work. On top of that, she encourages you to keep skimming the bar...over and over again. So even if one of the men that got your number had any interest, he would quickly lose interest once he realized that you were just a bar slut tease. Great idea there.
Whatever happened to clicking? Or mutual attraction? Or even *gasp* allowing the guy to approach you? Why are some women so desperate? And how can you even believe that this form of 'picking up a hot guy' doesn't smack of desperation?
Don't even get me on the 'hot guy' use in the book. A hot guy is described as any guy that you find attractive. Great. But what about a guy that is not so hot, but so right for you? We are actually being encouraged to skip over the not-so-hot guys, who might be Mr. Wonderful and head over to the 'hot guys'--who usually have a plethora of 'issues'. This superficial knee jerk reaction based on looks just reminds me of something that they do on Mars.
If you have a chance to check out this book, go for it. Maybe you will learn something, or it will spark a realization that dating is NOT a game. Maybe the tips on improving self confidence will help you out. Maybe the idea of taking the lead appeals to your personality. For me, I put it down halfway through the skimmed the rest.
This gets 2 out of 5 stars. Screw Cupid is like The Game for women. Perhaps it should have been written for the opposite gender. It's not my cup of tea, however, if you liked the Game, you might adore this book. Check it out on Amazon HERE.
Is it a necessary to play games to get what you want in life and love, or is it just something that were programmed to do, and what happens when the games end? And what the f*ck exactly is game?
The Game: When you act a certain way while dating or in a relationship but you aren't being true to your real motivations or emotions. Example, you wait 3 days to call the guy back even though you want to talk to him and think about him constantly. You wait 6 dates to have sex because you don't want him to think you're promiscuous even though you are totally attracted to him. You wait for her to say 'I Love You' first even though you've loved her for months. The game is used to manipulate the other person while not revealing your true emotions.
I don't think it's necessary to play games. I just think that it's one of those ridiculous societal rules that everyone does and no one questions.
At the beginning of my present relationship, I must confess I played 'the game'. I friggin' wrote the book on the game! I was so used to dealing with players, posers and gamers that this time, I wanted to run the game and not be the one suckered. The ironic part is that for the first time, I met a guy that was real. I nearly fucked up the whole thing by not being straight and honest with him in the beginning. We were able to move past that, but if he wasn't a strong man, I don't think we would have been able to get to the place we are now.
I think that most men and women truly don't know what they want. Because if you want a 'real relationship', why are you picking up guys that are drunk in the club? If you want a smart woman, why are you messing with chicken-heads? If you want a stable guy, why are you dating someone with no ambition, aspirations or even a JOB? We say we want something but don't follow through with the right action to produce that result.
This is the only relationship I've had that lasted longer than 6 months (we are almost at 4 years now). I guess when you stop playing games, start communicating and both of you genuinely are committed to each other, it totally clicks and just works.
If one of you is still caught up in that mentality of self-sabotage (from previous baggage that hasn't been dealt with), or not opening yourself up to love (because you've been hurt many times before), or still waiting or the One (and seeing this as just a temporary fun' thing), you can never find the relationship that you seek and deserve.
Not everyone is a game player. Some people just want straight up honesty, love and a connection with another person. Please ladies, don't get obsessed or caught up in the Game that you forget the real reason that you are dating in the first place....it's not about who wins or loses...it's not about checks or balances, it's not about the power play or the one the controls the relationship.
It's about love. It's about finding the one person in the world that is your best friend, confidante, lover and soul connection all in one. Please don't forget this.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few evenings ago. The observation was that adults get so used to relationships not working out that when they do find a relationship that is good, one might 'self-sabotage' because you can't deal with not breaking up or having drama.
Personally, I used to feel that I had a relationship shelf life, which was around the 6 month mark. I never had a long term relationship, or one that extended past that time frame, and usually around the 6 month mark, there was always something the fractured the relationship.
I even brought this baggage into my present relationship, having the 'short-term' mentality and consciously making bad decisions because "this relationship isn't going to last anyway, so why bother?" The ironic part is that after passing the 6-month mark, I realized that this was the real deal, and I needed to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Norio saw the potential of 'Us' way before I did; and he was patient enough to keep it real, stay open and keep waving the flag of real love until I noticed...lol
The moment of realization led to other more complex ones, and I realized that if I wanted this relationship to be 'Real', I needed to stop self-sabotaging. I had to let go of my exes that I kept 'as friends', i.e. backup plans, I had to stop 'keeping my options open' and I had to let go of the mentality that this relationship was doomed to fail like all the others. It was only after passing this crux that I was able to achieve the intimacy, emotional connection and depth of a relationship that I've always instinctively longed for.
If you are so caught up in the bad habits of your past, are overly cynical and automatically assume that every guy is Mr. Wrong, even when Mr. Right is right in your face, there is the potential for you to intentionally, or unintentionally screw up the relationship if you don't let that baggage go.
One of my absolutely fav blogettes recently wrote a post that hit home for me. Here is a teaser...the first few paragraphs...but you seriously should go to her page and read the whole thing, not only is it eloquent, argumentative, passionate and brilliant; it's beautifully articulated (she should be a lawyer!)
A while back, I was involved in an "internet discussion", regarding female sexuality, male respect for female sexual expression, etc., and wanted to express my utter dismay over the term "giving it up", in reference to the act of sex.
More specifically, my dismay over the fact that the term "giving it up", is ONLY applied to a women's role in a sexual exchange.
We need to expunge this term from our vocabularies.
First of all, this verbiage implies that I, as a woman, have relinquished something. I "gave" something away which would imply that it is "gone" and I am now "out" something. Does that make sense? The very language puts me, the woman, at some sort of imaginary sexual disadvantage and smack dab into the role of "victim".
Victim to a man and his powerful ways OMG! I am now rendered helpless after giving "it" up!
A woman who is empowered in her sexual choices, has sex when she chooses, with whom she chooses, and demonstrates a healthy sexuality is not "giving something up" by having sex. She's engaging in an act and receiving pleasure from it.
There is no way that I can eloquently express my stance against this ridiculous double standard that is permeated in our society today beyond what the Mahogany Misfit has already said. Without further ado....read this...and leave your comments, either here or at MM's page. I want to see what other women feel about this issue.